Trump is Dating Greta Thunberg

(With files from Charles Norwood)

Move over Stormy Daniels, a new warm front is moving through the White House. President Trump’s latest flame is none other than Swedish climate-change activist Greta Thunberg.

Trump and Thunberg were seen together in Washington last weekend, getting hot and heavy over ice cream. The usually cloudy-browed Thunberg was all smiles and sunshine in the president’s company, happily lapping at the Donald’s Rocky Road until it melted.

The relationship was forged after Trump called out Thunberg on Twitter in December, urging her to “go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend.” As it turned out, Trump ended up joining Thunberg at the movie, and the two quickly became more than friends.

“It was love at first sight,” said the anonymous acquaintance who accompanied Thunberg to the movie. “His hand fits perfectly in hers.”

According to an unnamed White House staffer, the couple has special plans for later this winter. Trump will be whisking away Thunberg on a romantic Arctic cruise to take in the sights of the remaining polar ice caps.

Water levels aren’t the only thing consistently rising. The president and the climate crusader can’t be kept apart, their desire burning like an Australian wildfire. To make Thunberg feel at home in the White House, Trump has had one of the guest bedrooms refurnished entirely with IKEA. Reportedly, the frames of her Malm bed have been reinforced to handle Trump’s sizable mass.

Rumor has it that First Lady Melania is feeling left out in the cold. While she’s long since resigned herself to accepting her husband’s constant extramarital dalliances, she’s apparently miffed that in this case she’s been ditched not for a pneumatic twenty-something blonde, but rather an autistic sixteen-year-old.

The First Lady’s inner pain notwithstanding, the forecast is undeniable: this winter in Washington is going to be sultry.